smallvoicesjournal Vol. 1, Issue 1

Confessions

 of a God Fan - part one

think I really began liking God Stuff back in the Jesus Movement days. The Jesus Movement was part revival and part group identity. The group identity carried a lot of stuff with it – "Jesus Music" concerts, embroidered "One Way" patches on old bell bottoms, "Maranatha" bumper stickers on cars and guitar cases, and abused-looking Good News for Modern Man New Testaments. Those who were mainly there for the group identity eventually drifted off, leaving both God and their God Stuff behind. However, there were plenty who made genuine commitments. They matured, growing out of the early Jesus Movement culture along with their bell bottoms (but perhaps keeping the Larry Norman albums somewhere in the garage).

A friend of mine coined the term "God Stuff" a few years ago, who, in a moment of honesty, confessed that he sometimes wondered how committed he really was to God; he just really loved God Stuff. That comment remained with me and I have come to find that I, too, have carried on a relationship with the "stuff" about God, often in place of an active relationship with God. Often these things and activities appear so religious and/or spiritual that we have a hard time distinguishing between the stuff about God and God himself.

I have, for the most part, been turned off by the obvious God Stuff. You know what I mean, things like schmaltzy pictures of Jesus, message T-shirts, Christian fiction (isn’t that an oxymoron?) or plastic stick-on fish symbols (an upgrade of the bumper sticker – you can even get them in gold to match the gold trim on your Mercedes). I am way beyond that; instead, I have a house full of theology books, on subjects ranging from big words like eschatology to books about worship and loving God. I have a plethora of Bibles in various obscure translations, and books about the Bible in languages I can’t even read. I have collected sermon tapes from some of the biggest names in modern churchdom, and I have an impressive collection of worship music on CD.

Now, I am not implying that any of this is in itself wrong. In fact, all of this, including plastic stick-on fish, can be beneficial and may bring you or others closer to God. The problem is that we can get so enamored with God Stuff that it becomes a God substitute, and we don’t even realize that it is happening.

I think we often become God "fans," treating God like some rock star. We read every book and magazine article we can find about the object of our obsession. We collect "trading cards" and we hang up posters. We go where he hangs out in the hope that we might see him. We dream of meeting him and rehearse what we would say. Someday we may even be lucky enough to get an autograph! But how many of us actually develop a relationship with such a famous person?

When we become fans instead of friends we develop a relationship with our perceptions instead of a person, and our perception may bear very little resemblance to reality. Often we would be disappointed to find out that the person is not who we imagined they were. In fact, fans occasionally become so upset that they actually kill the object of their obsession. Whoa – does this sound familiar?


I don’t want to go before the Judgment Seat and hear

"Excuse me, do I know you?"


 

From as far back as you can go in the Bible, you can see where it was God’s desire to establish relationship with his people, but God’s people seldom made the choice for relationship. After God brought the Israelites out of Egypt, he announced his desire to establish relationship with them, but when they got a little taste of what God was really like – lightening and earthquakes and all – they backed off and chose to mess around with a gold calf instead. Only Moses really wanted to know the real God. He risked his life to get just one glimpse of God’s glory.

We can look at the Israelites and their golden calf and think, "that was really stupid – I would never do anything like that." But are some of our golden programs really all that different? Weren’t the Israelites really only trying to worship God in a way that they felt comfortable with? I’ve seen a lot of great looking churches and programs that people build at great personal sacrifice, but built in accordance with their traditions and comfort levels. I wonder – does God like these any better than that golden calf? Can we come close to worshipping and knowing God while drawing boundaries as to how close we will get to God?

Personally, I’m tired of collecting God trading cards. I don’t want to be just one of God’s fans. I don’t want an imaginary relationship with a God that is limited to my own inventions. I don’t want to be left down at the foot of the mountain watching people melt down their jewelry, thinking they are making this great sacrifice for God. I’m 44 years old, and I don’t have time to waste doing religion instead of relationship. I don’t want to go before the Judgment Seat and hear, "Excuse me, do I know you?"

I want to know the real God. I want to know his judgment as well as his mercy. I want to know the love of God and the fear of God. I want to see God’s glory and be forever changed. I long to be consumed by the presence of God; as least I think I do. I have stood many times on a cliff overlooking the ocean and felt the desire rise up in me to throw myself into God’s presence and be carried off in waves of his power. There is no freedom in my fantasies about God; there is only true freedom in knowing the Real God and in letting him know me.

One of Korah’s sons wrote a long time ago, "I want more than anything to be in the courtyards of the Lord’s Temple. My whole being wants to be with the living God." (Psalm 84:2). He went on to say, "Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the house of the wicked." I like this guy. I think we could have been friends.

Jesus had many fans who loved to hear him teach and watch him multiply loaves and fish. However, when the teaching got a little too difficult, very few remained. Peter got it right when he explained why he chose to stay: "Where else would we go? Only you have the words of life." Peter wanted to know Jesus, strange words and all. The crowds were just fans; they only wanted to know the Jesus that they felt comfortable with.

Being a fan does not necessarily mean that there is no relationship. It has always been my intent, as far as I am aware, to pursue a real relationship with God. However I think I have often failed to pursue a deeper relationship and instead have settled for a membership in the fan club, often at the encouragement of well-meaning Christians who have found some level of satisfaction as fan club members. Sometimes it just seems like the reasonable thing to do. However, there has been a gnawing hunger in me for a long, long time. I’ve known it, but I haven’t really known what to do about it. Attending fan club meetings can be a temporary substitute, but it doesn’t really satisfy the hunger.

So I’m on a quest. I am purposing not to be satisfied until I see God’s glory. I see no other option than to be like Moses and risk death in search of God. God told Moses that no [earthly] man on can see God's face and live. Someday, we are told, we will see him face to face. But I think I'd like to see as much of God as I can on this side of Heaven. Don't you think it's worth it? After all, what is my life worth without God’s presence? So I am on a quest. "Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. … They go from strength to strength till each appears before God in Zion." (Ps 84:5,7)

OK, I know I can't stay up on the mountain forever, assuming I ever get there. Moses did have to come back down the mountain and deal with God's people. But he did it having been changed; he carried the Glory of God in his face into his old age. Moses knew the importance of God's presence. He would not even go into the Promised Land without it (Ex. 33:15). The Bible says that he spoke to God "face to face, as a man speaks with his friend" (Ex. 33:11). That's all I want.

I have recently expressed frustration of having to deal with the more mundane aspects of church life. I am realizing as I write this that this is not really what frustrates me. I love serving God. It's just that I don't want to do these things – even enter the Promised Land – without knowing that God's Presence will go with me. No more God Stuff. I want the Real Thing.

Alden Swan

January 13, 2000


Copyright © 2000 Alden Swan, All Rights Reserved.  Reproduction of this article, in whole or in part, is expressly forbidden without prior written permission.